Forever Gone
by AxCfangirl
Summary: "Kira... Do not leave me...please..." It was the only thing she could say, the only thing she wanted to say. "I'm sorry, Lacus. I truly am." He sounded like he was crying. "Good bye." Post-GSD


**WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH.** Not only KL fans but also AC fans should be prepared.

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English is not my first language. Please bear with grammatical errors.

And for your information, my fic is based on the remastered version (but I watched the original version, too).

 **Disclaimer: I don't own GS/GSD.**

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 **Forever Gone**

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"I can't," Kira said in a low voice, "I can't give up. I can't let them go free, unpunished. I can't just let them continue killing people."

Lacus stared at her husband's pale, haggard face on the screen, fighting off desperation and panic which had been trying to overwhelm her.

Today had started as a normal working day for her...well, as normal as recent days could be. She had gone to her office after breakfast and been working until being suddenly summoned up to the ZAFT Headquarters for an emergency. She had not been informed of details until reaching there.

Her husband had taken off on the Strike Freedom without permission.

A few warships had been sent to pursue him, and one of them had succeeded in relaying the transmission from the headquarters building to the Strike Freedom. She had been trying to persuade him out of it, but to no avail so far.

His amethyst eyes, darker than she had ever seen them, looked back at her. "They—they killed my sister," he choked, then continued, panting, "and my best friend—no, my brother. I—" His shaking voice broke off.

He breathed heavily for several moments before repeating, "I can't."

She felt the hollowness seep into her heart, which had been unwelcome but familiar company for her in the last four months.

Four months. Just four months. It was so short a time, yet felt like a lifetime. Four months full of agony and despair.

Only four months ago, their life had been so wonderful, filled with so much happiness.

After nearly ten years of secrecy, Athrun and Cagalli had finally revealed their relationship to the public. It had caused great excitement throughout the world, and there had been a huge controversy. But their relationship had been mostly welcomed, or at least tolerated. They had been going to get married, and Orb had been in a party mood for "the epoch-making wedding." Lacus and Kira had been relieved and extremely happy for them.

However, the wedding had never taken place.

Four months ago, only three weeks before the wedding, a series of terrorist attacks had struck Orb, and the couple had died. Athrun had been instantly killed by one of the bombs, protecting his fiancée. Cagalli had fought through to the hospital, but not made it to the operating table.

Ironically, it was a collaborative work of a Coordinator terrorist group and a Natural terrorist group that had killed the couple who had become a symbol of the unity of Coordinators and Naturals.

It was still unclear how the anti-Natural Coordinator group and the anti-Coordinator Natural group had ended up collaborating. It had been assumed that one of the groups had learned about the other group's plan and carried out their own plan at the same time so that the possibility of success would increase.

And they had succeeded, in destroying their lives. Athrun's life, Cagalli's life, Athrun and Cagalli's life, and Lacus and Kira's life. Destroying so many things Lacus had cherished.

The headquarters of the Natural terrorist group had been found several weeks later. Since the incident was the center of worldwide public attention, there had not been much problem with raiding the place. Many countries had been more than willing to help. The country where the headquarters had been located had allowed Orb and its allies to execute the military operation in their territory. The group had been successfully annihilated, with the leader and almost all important members either killed or arrested.

The Coordinator terrorist group's headquarters had also been found, actually earlier than the other group's had been. The group had been deemed as one of the most dangerous terrorist groups and many governments had become aware of the location of its headquarters long before the Orb terror attacks.

Nevertheless, raiding the place had not been as easy. The location was actually preferable. It was in a nearly uninhabited colony, and most of the residents of the colony were members of the terrorist group. There was a quite low risk of endangering innocent civilians if the raid turned into a huge battle.

But there was one big problem. The colony belonged to a country—in fact, more like a kind of free city—which was very reluctant to associate with other countries. It was one of the few places almost unaffected by the two great wars, mostly thanks to its small size and closed nature. Neither PLANT nor the Earth Alliance had found it a useful ally or a worthy enemy, and so they had ignored it, preoccupied with fighting against each other. Most people in other countries, even those living in space, had been unaware that it even existed.

The government of the country wouldn't let other countries capture criminals in its territory or capture the terrorists themselves and hand them over.

The governments of Orb and its ally countries that had participated in the mission had used all means they could come up with. They had tried to reason it. They had tried to bribe it. They had threatened it. They had appealed to its citizens, hoping the people would push their government to change the decision.

Nothing had worked.

They had even considered sending special force teams to secretly strike the headquarters. But it was impossible to cover up their involvement due to the country's closed nature. And the government had warned they didn't mind starting a war if their territory was violated by other countries. Even though the threat had seemed rather like an empty one, other governments still had not been able to ignore it, with the bitter memories of the past great wars.

Unless they were willing to go to war, it seemed the only thing they could do was continue with the same strategy as before: wait for the terrorists to come out of the colony, and then arrest and punish them.

 _I_ _f_ the terrorists ever came out. They would be able to capture some of them now and then, but it seemed highly unlikely that they would succeed in annihilating the group or at least capturing all of its main members, especially the leader who appeared to have not left the colony for decades.

The Orb government had announced that as much as they ached for justice for the victims of the attacks, they wouldn't be the one to cause a war, partly in order to honor the late Representative Athha's efforts to protect peace and Orb's principles. Although the Orb citizens had not been happy about the decision, the annihilation of the other terrorist group had appeased them enough.

The other governments had agreed with the Orb government. They were still going to keep negotiating with the country, though it would be very likely to be fruitless. And several countries, including Orb and PLANT, had volunteered to create a tighter surveillance network around the area so that the terrorists would be immediately detected and captured when they came out.

Thus, the matter of the Orb terrorist attacks had been settled. Officially. To most people.

But not to her. Not to her husband.

He was taking the matter into his own hands. He was going to put an end to the matter, to bring those terrorists to justice in his own way—by raiding the colony by himself. She had to stop him.

Pulling herself together, she spoke, "I know, Kira. I know how you are feeling. However, I still cannot allow you to go."

His action would possibly harm PLANT. As the Chairwoman of PLANT, she couldn't let it happen.

He had told her in the beginning of this conversation to put him on the wanted list as a defector or even a traitor, which would probably be able to stop the country from proposing a war against PLANT and defend PLANT from criticism to a certain extent. But it still could affect PLANT in a harmful way. She couldn't overlook the possibility.

...She knew it wasn't the major reason, though. The truth was that she simply didn't want him to go. Even if PLANT would be completely unaffected by his action.

He glared at her with eyes hurt and almost furious. "They were your friends. Your family." His eyes, words, and accusing voice cut her heart into pieces.

She didn't think she had shown it clearly. Nevertheless, he appeared to realize it. He looked away with an ashamed expression and whispered, "Sorry."

He was her husband. He could see through her calm face, see her emotions underneath. "I know you're also sad and angry. I—I know what I'm doing is wrong, too. I know."

He looked desperate, and despaired. "But I can't not do this."

He had been greatly agitated and unstable. He had been in Orb at the time of the attacks and gotten injured himself. Due to the injuries, he had not been able to join the investigation and raid as much as he wanted, which had frustrated him.

She knew he understood the decision of the Orb government, the decision of hers, was the right thing. But understanding something wasn't always enough. He had been having quite a hard time accepting the situation, appeasing his frustration, grief, anger, and desire for justice, for revenge. Even with his hatred toward war and fighting.

Athrun and Cagalli were too important to him, too close to his heart.

And what the terrorist group advocated had disturbed him even further. It was similar to that the supporters of late Patrick Zala did: Coordinators were the ultimate life form evolved from Naturals which were useless now and should be exterminated. While Zala supporters were consisted mainly of Coordinators who had lost their loved ones due to the wars or conflicts between Coordinators and Naturals, however, most of these terrorists seemed to disdain and want to get rid of Naturals because of their belief in their superiority rather than their grief.

From what an intelligence agent who had succeeded in sneaking in the colony had reported, many members were geneticists and the leader had some kind of connection to Mendel. Although she had classified the information on the leader as top secret, Kira had found it out with his position and exceptional hacking ability. The discovery had made this whole incident personal to him in another way.

He seemed to have been becoming more and more depressed each day. Still, she had never imagined he would resort to such a reckless—almost suicidal—action.

 _Did you really_ _not_ _?_ a voice in her head coldly asked. She might only have been ignoring the possibility because of the fear. Fear of losing him.

Or she truly had never thought of it. After all, she had also been grieving and depressed over the loss. She wasn't sure which was true.

And it no longer mattered. He had already taken action. She had not been able to prevent it. But she might still be able to stop him, make him change his mind. She hoped so. She wanted to believe she could.

Sounding as if he was talking to himself, Kira continued, "I saw it. I saw them die with my own eyes. I can't...I can't forgive those people. I can't bear doing nothing."

Her heart wrenched at seeing his face so full of pain. She knew he had also been suffering from the feelings of guilt. Guilt for not having been able to protect them. Guilt for having survived. Guilt for feeling joy or happiness—no matter how little it was—when they couldn't anymore. Guilt for having the possibility of a happy future, which they had truly deserved and should have had, yet couldn't anymore.

Guilt for being alive when they were not.

She said in as soothing a voice as she could manage, "I know. And we will not let those people go free. We just have to wait. Then—"

"Do you really believe it?" He wasn't accusing her this time. His voice was quiet—sorrowful and exhausted.

She swallowed hard. Had the question come from someone else, she could have calmly answered they shouldn't give up hope and should keep trying. It was the right thing to do, and say.

Yet she couldn't say it to him.

Not now. Not anymore. The words seemed horribly empty. A big part of her was possessed with the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, which were eating her up from inside. There was a gaping abyss in her heart which would swallow all hopes as soon as she could find one. The hole that had swallowed her faith in the future, in this world, in people.

And he knew it. He knew she couldn't truly believe in what she was saying. He knew her well, better than anyone else did.

"Kira..." she called out, begging. "Please. I cannot let you go. I...cannot lose you as well."

His eyes bored into hers. It seemed he was begging, too.

"I..." she gasped. For a moment, she was lost. She didn't know what she had been going to say.

"I can't," they both said at the same time. The words were the only thing that had come to her mind.

Her heart, already broken, was shattering into millions and millions of shards. He looked as if he was experiencing the same pain.

"Kira... Do not leave me...please..." It was the only thing she could say, the only thing she wanted to say.

He hung his head down, and she couldn't see his expression.

"I'm sorry, Lacus. I truly am." He sounded like he was crying. But when he looked up after a moment, there were no tears in his eyes. Yet, the look in his eyes was a hundred times more painful.

"Good bye."

As soon as he said it, he cut the connection.

She stared at the screen, a part of her hoping his image would reappear. But she knew it wouldn't happen. He had already made his decision. He wasn't going to back down on it.

Having failed to persuade him, she was shrouded in helplessness. However, there wasn't much disappointment. Probably she had known from the beginning that she couldn't. She couldn't change his mind. She couldn't change him.

An image of another man, about ten years older than Kira, popped out on the screen. It was the captain of the warship chasing after Kira. The captain reported it was very likely that his ship could catch up with the Strike Freedom before reaching the country in question at their current speeds. Then, he would urge Kira to surrender and take Kira back to PLANT—if it was possible.

"However, what should we do if Commander Yamato won't surrender?" The captain hesitated, but quickly regained his composure and continued in an emotionless voice, "Are we permitted to shoot down the Strike Freedom?"

She felt paralyzed. She had known the question was coming. She knew what she should answer. But she couldn't say it. She wasn't prepared to say it. She would never be prepared to say such a thing.

The deafening silence was hung in the room. It seemed everyone was holding their breath.

However, there was one person who wasn't overwhelmed by the tension in the room or the gravity of the situation.

"Yes." A calm, hard voice—sounding almost ice-cold—cut through the silence.

The National Defense Committee Chairman walked to her side, fixing his ice-blue eyes on the man on the screen. "You are. I give you permission. Do whatever you need to stop him. Tell Asuka so, too."

The captain's eyes flickered toward her, but he immediately saluted with a hardened face. "Yes, sir."

His image disappeared from the screen, in a blink of an eye, before she could say anything, though she didn't know whether she could have said anything to revoke the order even if she had had time.

She shifted her eyes from the screen to the man with ice-silver hair standing next to her. He was still looking at the screen, or avoiding looking at her.

"I had to do it."

She knew it was true. It was she that should have said it, yet she couldn't. But someone had had to do it for the sake of PLANT. So he had, in her stead. He had protected PLANT, and her. She knew it.

Still, a small part of her was enraged at him and hating him for having said such a thing. But the rest of her was numb.

"I know," she answered. Her voice sounded hollow and strange. It felt as if she was hearing someone else speak. It felt as if she was looking at herself from afar. It felt as if she was having a dream. A long, long nightmare.

She wished it had been true. She wished all of this had been a bad dream. She wanted to wake up from this. She wanted to find Kira sleeping soundly at her side. She wanted to talk to him, Athrun, and Cagalli about the terrible dream and wanted them to laugh at it or comfort her, saying it was just a dream.

Only it would never happen.

She would never be able to wake up from this, from the reality. The cold, cruel reality.

Without saying anything more, she left the room, and the ZAFT Headquarters for her home. No one tried to stop her.

Entering the house, she felt like it was deserted. Although there was no noticeable change, it was no longer the same. Now, it was only her home, not his. He would never come back here. And it no longer felt home.

It was already twilight, and the orange light seeping through the window was getting dimmer. It was hard to see, but she didn't feel like turning the light on. It seemed useless, meaningless.

Her forlorn gaze fell on an object on the table in the living room. She stared at it for several minutes. Suddenly, an emotion she couldn't quite identify rose up in her chest.

Walking fast and straight to the table, she grabbed the object and held it above her head. She wanted to throw it away with all her might. To somewhere out of her sight and reach.

Yet, she couldn't bring herself to.

Her hand shook. Her body shook. Her breath grew fast and rough. Then, as suddenly as it had come, the emotion went away.

Feeling drained, she collapsed on the floor. The object slipped out of her limp hand to roll across the floor. She automatically followed the movement with her eyes but looked away before it even stopped.

Only a faint sound was heard as the Haro rolled far and far away from her. The pink Haro she had loved and carried around with her for a long time.

But now, the sight of the robot was nothing but painful. It reminded her of too many memories. Memories of her ex-fiancé who had made it for her. Memories of her best friend who had sometimes played with it, together with her. Memories of her husband who had usually checked and fixed it. Memories of the people she had loved...and lost.

Athrun was dead. Cagalli was dead. Kira, too, would be soon.

Or maybe, just maybe, he would be able to escape, considering he was an excellent mobile suit pilot. Even so, however, he would never come back to her. He knew all too well what he was doing, what the consequences would be like. He wouldn't be able to bring himself to drag her into his life which was now a criminal's, the life of the hunted.

It might have been different had she been able to join his mission of vengeance, had she been able to share his desperate desire for revenge. However, she hadn't. And he probably had known it. It was probably why he had decided to go off on his own, leaving her behind.

A realization slowly dawned on her. She had begged him not to go, yet had not asked him to take her with him. She wasn't sure whether she had not been able to say it or simply had not thought of it.

She didn't want to know.

Either way, it didn't matter anymore, did it? It was too late now. He was already gone.

And she didn't want to think about this anymore. A small part of her which still could feel something was scared that she would reach an even more dreadful conclusion if she kept thinking.

She wanted to stop thinking altogether. She didn't want to think about anything anymore. She simply wanted to sink her mind into the deep, wide gulf, let herself consumed by the hollowness, never feeling anything. Still, she couldn't erase one thing from her mind: all of the people she had loved had left her.

She was alone, left to live this nightmare.

Her eyes stung. Her lips trembled. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. But she couldn't. She couldn't even sing, which was her usual way of coping with her emotions or soothing herself.

She just stayed sitting frozen, staring into space with blank eyes. It was freezing, quiet, and dark. There was no warmth, no laughter, no light. There wouldn't be ever again.

They were all gone. Forever.

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 **The End**

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 **A/N** : First and most importantly, this fic is ABSOLUTELY NOT in the same universe as any of my other fics. Neither Kira and Lacus nor Cagalli and Athrun in my other fics will end up like this.

This is kind of a thought experiment inspired by a review of "Grass on My Side," which said that the reviewer hadn't come across a good argument between Kira and Lacus. It made me contemplate, and I found it's indeed hard to think of a good reason for them to seriously argue. I kept thinking for a while, and this fic was born.

Kira is rather OOC, seeking revenge. But considering his reactions after Athrun killing Tolle and Klueze killing Fllay, I decided he's not too OOC.

After all, Cagalli and Athrun are very important to him. And it made their death more unbearable to him that they had been finally realizing their dream after tough years of patience, with several other reasons introduced in the story.

He wouldn't have taken such an action if it costed or risked Lacus's life. But it didn't.

And I see Lacus as a person who can't bring herself to do what she believes is wrong. It's her strong point, yes. But at the same time, I think it can be her weak point, too.

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I guess this plot is somewhat affected by what I heard about the GS ending: at first, Kira had been going to die in the end, but the ending was changed for some reason.

And if my memory serves me correctly, the idea of a closed colony was adopted in one or several of other gundam series. That's where I got the idea, though I can't remember which series or the plots of the episodes concerning a closed colony.

Well, thank you for reading.

And thank you, Thalmor, for giving me inspiration, though I'm not sure you'll like this fic...

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In case this fic depressed you too much, I leave one of my favorite quotes, which is from a movie called _Twin Falls Idaho_ :

"In time, every sad ending will become happy. The sad ending is only because the author stops telling the story. But it still goes on. It's just untold."


End file.
